Category: Leadership - Page 3

What to Do When You’re Great at Your Job But Terrible at Meetings

Posted on December 19, 2025December 19, 2025 by Team Simon

You know your stuff. Hand you a technical challenge, a system that needs fixing, a problem that keeps others up at night, and you’re brilliant. Your work speaks for itself.

But then there’s the meeting.

You walk in prepared. You have ideas. You know what needs to happen. But the moment the conversation starts, something shifts. Your mind races. Should I say this now? Will it sound stupid? By the time you work up the courage to speak, the moment has passed. Someone else said what you were thinking—only they said it with confidence.

You leave feeling invisible.

Here’s the truth: Being great at your job and being heard in meetings require different skills. And the good news? Skills can be learned.

Being great at your job means solving problems. But meetings are about shaping problems with others. It’s a shift from finding answers alone to building them together. From proving competence to serving the room.

This isn’t a weakness to fix. It’s simply the next skill to practice.

The First Thing to Do

Stop trying to prove you belong there. That frame puts all the pressure on performance instead of contribution.

Shift from proving yourself to serving the room.

Before your next meeting, write one line: “My job here is to help us decide X faster and better.” Maybe it’s clarifying the problem. Maybe it’s surfacing a risk no one’s named. Whatever it is, name it.

This isn’t about you. It’s about what the team needs. And when you serve something bigger than yourself, the fear gets smaller.

In the Room: Ground, Then Contribute

Your nervous system can’t tell the difference between a high-stakes meeting and a physical threat. That’s why your heart races and your brain goes blank right when you need it most.

Here’s your reset: Feet flat. Slow exhale. Look around the room once. Your nervous system listens to your body. When you ground yourself physically, your mind follows.

Then speak early, even if it’s small. “Success today looks like leaving with two clear decisions and owners.” That’s it. You’re in the conversation now, not watching it happen without you.

When the Spiral Starts

Mid-meeting, the voice comes: That sounded dumb. Everyone’s judging me. I should stay quiet.

Here’s the move: shift from performance to service.

Ask out loud: “What would good look like from here?”

Watch what happens. People respond. The conversation moves forward. And you realize no one was judging you—they were waiting for someone to say something useful.

Or try this when uncertainty hits: “I may be missing something. Here’s what I see. What am I not seeing?”

This isn’t weakness. This is confident doubt, and it earns more trust than false certainty ever could.

To Be Heard: Make Your Ideas Travel

The difference between ideas that land and ideas that disappear isn’t charisma. It’s clarity.

Give people three things: the problem, the picture, the path.

“Onboarding takes three weeks too long. If new hires could do X by day five, we’d cut that by half. Let’s pilot a new system that can get us there.”

Clear beats clever. Every time.

After the Meeting: Build Your Reputation

Send a three-line recap: decision, owners, next check-in. Reliability creates presence. When people can count on you, authority grows quietly.

Then reflect for sixty seconds: What landed? What muddied? What will I try differently next time?

This is how you close the gap—not by being perfect, but by learning faster than everyone else.

You’ll Know It’s Working When…

You speak earlier with fewer words. People start asking you to frame decisions. Disagreements feel productive, not personal. You leave meetings tired but clear.

Leadership isn’t about being comfortable. It’s about being effective. And sometimes that’s exhausting. But that exhaustion means you showed up. You served. You led.

Start Small, Start Now

Your next meeting: bring one expanding question and one narrowing statement. Use them in the first ten minutes.

“What assumptions are we making that might be wrong?”
“Given that, what decision are we actually making today?”

You don’t have to transform overnight. You just have to show up a little braver than yesterday.

For more advice on being the leader you wish you had, explore The Optimism Library today.

5 “Terrible” Leadership Tips That Totally Work

Posted on December 12, 2025December 12, 2025 by Team Simon

Every leader faces a choice: do we manage people, or do we develop them? Do we extract performance, or do we inspire it? Do we build teams that need us, or teams that don’t?

The conventional wisdom has clear answers. Stay in control. Lead with data. Keep emotions out of it. Fix weaknesses. Beat the competition.

But here’s what we’re learning: the path to extraordinary leadership oftentimes runs directly through practices that sound completely wrong. Practices that make us uncomfortable. Practices that challenge every instinct we’ve been taught to trust.

With Simon’s insights and the latest research, we’ve identified five leadership approaches that people dismiss as reckless but that consistently create remarkable teams. Here’s what we discovered.

1. Leave Your Team Hanging When Asked Questions

This sounds like abandonment. Like leaving people stranded when they need you most.

But here’s the deeper truth: “When someone asks, ‘What should I do?'” Simon tells us, “Instead of answering them outright, try answering their question with a question: ‘What do you think?’ Then listen. If their choice is reasonable, back it. If it misses the mark, ask further questions.”

Why does this matter? Because leadership isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about building people who don’t need you to have all the answers.

Every time you say, “What do you think?,” you’re saying something far more powerful: “I believe in you.” And that belief becomes the foundation they stand on when you’re not in the room. This is how you build leaders, not followers.

2. Talk About Feelings at Work

This feels dangerous. Like opening Pandora’s box when you should be keeping things professional.

But research from Stanford’s Graduate School of Business reveals something profound. When leaders say, “You seem frustrated,” or, “I notice you’re upset,” trust skyrockets. The researchers found across six studies that emotional acknowledgment dramatically elevated trust, especially for negative emotions.

Why? Because people desperately need to know they’re not invisible. That their struggle matters. That someone sees them as a whole human being, not just a productivity unit.

When you name what you see, you’re saying: your humanity is welcome here. And when people feel their humanity is welcome, they bring their creativity, passion, and best work.

3. Be Soft on Performance

This feels like you’re avoiding accountability.

But consider why we’re here in the first place. “When someone misses a target,” Simon says, “start with care: ‘Are you okay? I’m concerned about you.’ Create safety first. Only then explore performance.”

Remember that people aren’t machines. They’re human beings trying to do good work while navigating a world that never stops throwing curveballs.

When you lead with, “You missed the number,” you’ll get defensiveness. When you lead with, “Are you okay?,” you get truth. And truth is the only thing that leads to real solutions.

4. Admit Your Competition Is Simply Better Than You

This feels like surrender. Like admitting defeat before the game even starts.

But Simon sees it differently: “Name the competitor who gets under your skin. Then identify one thing they consistently do better. Turn that into your next improvement sprint.”

Why does this help? Because the finite game (the one where you obsess over crushing your competition) has a ceiling. But the infinite game has no ceiling. When you stop competing to win and start competing to improve, you unlock humility that makes you teachable, curiosity that makes you innovative, and growth that never stops.

“Worthy rivals make us sharper, humbler, and more inventive,” Simon adds. They’re not obstacles. They’re mirrors showing us who we could become.

5. Stop Trying to Fix Weaknesses

This sounds irresponsible. Like ignoring problems until they become disasters.

But research from Zenger Folkman, analyzing over 100,000 leaders, reveals a fascinating truth: unless someone has a critical flaw, extraordinary performance comes from building strengths, not fixing weaknesses.

When you spend energy turning someone’s 4 into a 6, you’re telling them: “You’re not enough.” But when you invest in turning their 7 into a 9, you’re saying: “I see your gifts. Let’s make them undeniable.”

According to Gallup research, employees who use their strengths daily are six times more likely to be engaged. Not because they’re avoiding hard things, but because they’re doing work that energizes rather than drains them. People who are empowered to be excellent at what they’re naturally good at don’t need motivation. They need opportunity.

The Friends Who Drive You Crazy Are Actually the Ones You Need Most

Posted on November 19, 2025November 19, 2025 by Team Simon

Here’s something worth celebrating: the richest, most meaningful friendships in your life probably aren’t with people who are just like you.

Think about it. Your closest friend, the one who really gets you, is probably someone who drives you a little crazy sometimes. Who sees the world completely differently. Who makes you laugh at yourself. Who pushes you to be better without even trying.

And that’s not a coincidence. That’s the magic of friendship.

We live in a world designed to surround us with sameness. Algorithms show us more of what we already like. We gravitate toward people who think like us, laugh at the same jokes, share our worldview. It’s comfortable. It’s validating. It’s easy.

But easy doesn’t make us grow. And comfortable doesn’t make us come alive.

The best friendships? They happen when we stop looking for people who are just like us and start getting curious about people who aren’t.

The Friend Who Changed Everything

Swedish author Fredrik Backman knows this better than most. On a recent episode of A Bit of Optimism, the bestselling author of A Man Called Ove and Anxious People shared the story of a friendship that changed his life. A 30-year friendship built not on common ground, but on profound difference.

Backman’s best friend Riyadh couldn’t be more different from him. Fredrik is introverted and academic. Riyadh is extroverted and practical. Fredrik avoids people. Riyadh loves them. Fredrik gets lost in his head. Riyadh leads with natural charisma.

They’re opposites in almost every way that matters.

And yet, for over three decades, this unlikely pairing has been one of the most important relationships in both their lives.

“I was fortunate in the way that I stumbled upon people early on in my life that were very different from me,” Backman said. “And I found out very quickly that that was a good thing for me. I needed people who were not like me so that I could look at their best qualities and strive for them.”

Here’s the beautiful thing he learned: the people who annoy us most are often reflections of ourselves.

Backman once complained about how irritating certain people were at airports. His wife and kids were quick to point out the uncomfortable truth: “That’s how you are when you’re having a bad day. That’s how you are when you’re annoyed by something.”

When we only befriend people like us, we create an echo chamber that reinforces our existing patterns, both good and bad. We miss opportunities to grow, to be challenged, to see our blind spots through fresh eyes.

“If you hang out with people who are very different from you, you kind of learn how to make jokes about how different you are,” Backman explained. “You understand the way that you are different from the people around you.”

And perhaps most importantly: “You’re never bored.”

The Work of Understanding (And Why It’s Worth It)

Now, let’s be honest. Befriending people different from you isn’t always a walk in the park. Backman is refreshingly candid about this, both with his best friend and with his wife, who he describes as “very, very, very different” from him.

“We disagree a lot,” he admitted. “She’s way more extroverted. Very different people. We like different things.”

But the work required to bridge those differences creates something stronger than easy compatibility ever could.

Backman and his wife developed what they call “rules of fighting.”

These are boundaries about what they couldn’t say even in heated moments, because some words do damage that can’t be undone. After every argument, they’d spend hours talking through what happened, what hurt, what worked, and what needed to change.

“The work is not on the relationship,” Backman said. “The work is on you. I have to work on who I am, communicating better, explaining my feelings better, understanding me better so that I can explain myself better.”

This applies just as much to friendships. When we befriend people unlike us, we can’t coast on assumed understanding. We have to articulate our feelings, question our assumptions, and genuinely try to see through another person’s eyes.

That effort, that work on ourselves, makes us better people. And that’s a gift.

How to Find Your Unlikely Friends

If you’re wondering how to put this into practice, Backman’s advice is refreshingly simple: stop looking for people like you.

“Don’t go looking for the ones that you have the most in common with,” he said. “Go look for the ones who are different.”

This might mean:

Striking up a conversation with the colleague whose approach to work baffles you
Accepting an invitation from the neighbor who seems to run on a completely different frequency
Joining a group or class where you’ll be the outsider, not the insider
Staying curious about the friend of a friend who challenges your perspectives

It also means resisting the algorithms. Social media wants to show you more of what you already like. Dating apps want to match you with people who check your boxes. Even our neighborhoods and workplaces can become echo chambers if we’re not careful.

The best friendships, Backman suggests, aren’t found through optimization. They’re stumbled upon through openness.

Choose to Be the Friend You Want

When Backman described his friendships as “lucky,” Simon pushed back gently. After hearing how much work, communication, and intention went into maintaining them, Simon reframed it:

“I think the way you get one of those friends that you want is you choose to be that friend first.”

Backman became the friend he is because he chose to surround himself with people who challenged him to grow.

“The best relationships, the best marriages, the best friendships that I can think of around me are people who are very, very different from each other,” Backman observed.

Not because difference is easy. But because it’s worth it.

And in the end, those are the people you can’t imagine life without.

How to Actually Teach People to Care, According to a CEO Who Figured It Out

Posted on November 5, 2025November 5, 2025 by Team Simon

Many years ago, Bob Chapman sat in the pews of a wedding ceremony, watching a father walk his daughter down the aisle. Most people see a beautiful tradition. Bob saw something that would transform his company.

“A father who would give his life for his precious child was giving her away to another man with the hope that he will take care of her with the same love,” Bob tells Simon in the latest episode of A Bit of Optimism. “That’s when it struck me: Every single person who works in my company is someone’s son or someone’s daughter. Every employee is someone’s precious child who’s now in my care.”

Bob Chapman is the CEO of Barry-Wehmiller, a $3.6 billion manufacturing company. Before that wedding, he’d been trained as an accountant and ran his business like one. “People were functions for my success,” he admits. “I was a nice guy. We had a nice company, but I saw people as functions.”

That wedding changed everything. And what Bob discovered over the next twenty-plus years is this: “Caring is a teachable skill.”

Which may like corporate BS until you meet someone like Randall.

The Angriest Guy in the Building

When Barry-Wehmiller acquired Randall’s company in the early 2000s, he was deeply skeptical about his new bosses. “Just about everything” Bob said made him roll his eyes. “I just want to do my job,” Randall tells Simon. “Just leave me alone and pay me fairly.”

Randall wasn’t just cynical. He was angry. “I didn’t like anybody,” he says. “An engineer once told me I turned him around at 50 feet just by looking at him.” He’d literally built walls of steel around his work area to keep people away.

Today? Randall is one of the top-rated professors at Barry-Wehmiller University, teaching the communication and leadership skills he once dismissed as nonsense.

So how did they transform someone that angry? And more importantly, how did Bob build a system that could do this at scale across a company of 12,000 people?

How Randall Changed (And What It Reveals About Teaching Caring)

They showed up every single day. Two Barry-Wehmiller leaders came by Randall’s work area daily to say hello. Every day, Randall ignored them. “But they were so persistent,” Randall says. “Day after day.”

One day, one of them literally crawled over the steel barriers Randall had built around his workspace just to say good morning.

“I was stunned,” Randall says. “But that was the start of it.”

They didn’t call it “caring training.” Eventually, Randall signed up for an in-house course called “Communication Skills.” Not empathy training. Not “be a better human.” Just practical communication.

“This isn’t communication skills,” Randall realized halfway through. “This is self-reflection.”

The course didn’t ask Randall to change his values. It taught him concrete skills—listening, communication, self-awareness—and let him discover caring through competence.

The Broader System: 4 Principles That Make Caring Teachable

Randall’s transformation wasn’t a fluke. Bob built an entire system around making caring teachable and sustainable. Here’s how it works:

Model it relentlessly. You can’t teach caring in a classroom if leaders don’t model it in the hallways. Those two leaders crawling over steel barriers? That’s the real curriculum.
Make it skills-based, not values-based. Barry-Wehmiller built their own university. Not for product training. For “human skills”—communication, listening, self-reflection. “You can’t ask people to care,” Bob explains. “You have to teach them how to care.”
Trust people with real responsibility. When Barry-Wehmiller needed a new machine (budget: $750,000), they gave the project to Jared, a factory floor leader. His first move? He went to the two operators who’d actually use the machine. “I don’t know what we should get,” he told them. “You guys are the experts.” They found the perfect machine, saved $250,000. It’s still running 12 years later. Trust is caring made visible.
Don’t betray them when times get hard. In 2008, Barry-Wehmiller’s orders dropped 30%. Every business textbook says: lay people off. Bob refused. “What if we all took a little pain so no one had to take a lot of pain?” They implemented shared sacrifice. No layoffs. “My primary responsibility is to have a business model where you feel safe,” Bob explains. You can teach empathy skills all day. But if you lay people off when it’s convenient, you’ve taught one lesson: the caring was bogus.

The Test You Can Use Tomorrow

Bob offers a simple test for any leadership decision:

“Treat them like you would want your son or daughter treated.”

People usually respond: “Oh, that would be different.”

Bob’s reply: “Why is it different that it’s somebody’s son or daughter you’re treating?”

Before your next difficult conversation, performance review, or restructuring decision—picture their parent. Someone who loves them deeply. Who entrusted their child to you.

What would you say? How would you decide?

When Simon told Bob this after knowing him for 15 years, Bob started to tear up: “I know people who turn it on and turn it off. You can’t turn it off. It’s core to who you are. You take taking care of your people as seriously as taking care of your children. You deeply mean it.”

Bob’s response: “You can retire from a job, but you cannot retire from a calling.”

At the end of the day, you can’t teach caring if leadership doesn’t actually care. The techniques matter. The courses matter. But none of it works without genuine belief that the people in your care are someone’s precious children.

What You Can Try Right Now

Change one word: Stop saying “headcount.” Start saying “team members.” Notice how it shifts your thinking.

Show up for one person: Pick someone who doesn’t trust you. Say good morning. Every day. Don’t ask for anything. Just show up.

Give away one decision: Find someone doing the actual work. Give them real responsibility and real budget. Then get out of their way.

Ask the hard question: Next time you face financial pressure, ask: “What if we all took a little pain instead of a few people taking all of it?”

The way you see people affects the way you treat people.

And the way you treat people? That’s what you’re really teaching.

Bob Chapman’s book “Everybody Matters” tells the full story.

Is It Wrong to Be Friends with Your Coworkers? A Therapist Weighs In

Posted on October 22, 2025October 22, 2025 by Team Simon

We’ve all felt that awkward tension when a colleague asks about your weekend plans and you’re not sure how much to share. Or when someone invites you for after-work drinks and you freeze, wondering if accepting crosses some invisible professional line. In some industries, there seems to be a cultural rule that if someone is your colleague, they shouldn’t really know about your personal life. Keep it professional. Keep it distant. Keep it safe.

But is that really the healthiest approach?

In a recent conversation between Simon and Dr. Sara Kuburic—a therapist who specializes in workplace dynamics and teacher of our course, How to Handle Conflict at Work—they explored this exact tension. And, according to Sara, the challenge isn’t whether to befriend coworkers. It’s how to do it with intention, awareness, and healthy boundaries.

Here’s what we learned.

The Truth: All Work Relationships Are Personal

Let’s start by dismantling a myth. “All relationships are personal relationships,” Sara says. Even the most buttoned-up, strictly professional dynamic involves human connection, emotional dynamics, and personal investment. The question isn’t whether work relationships are personal—they always are. The real question is: what kind of personal relationship do you want to cultivate?

Sara’s own philosophy is refreshingly honest: “In my ideal world, I would work with all my best friends.” When choosing projects, she asks herself fundamental questions like: “Do I want to spend time with you? Do I find the dynamic meaningful enough for us to spend 40 hours, 100 hours, 200 hours working together on this project?”

Think about that for a moment. If you’re going to spend more waking hours with colleagues than with your own family, shouldn’t you actually enjoy their company?

The difference between work friendships and other friendships isn’t that one is “personal” and the other isn’t. It’s that the boundaries, expectations, and needs are different. And that’s where things get complicated.

How to Test the Friendship Waters (Without Making It Weird)

One of the trickiest aspects of workplace relationships is figuring out where you stand. You might think you’re developing a genuine friendship, only to realize the other person views you strictly as a colleague. So how do you read the room before you accidentally overstep?

Sara recommends testing it out casually and paying attention to the signals. Here are some practical ways to gauge interest:

Extend low-pressure invitations. Ask if they want to grab coffee during lunch or join you for a drink after work. These are casual enough that declining doesn’t feel awkward, but accepting signals openness to a more personal connection.

Pay attention to their responses. If someone consistently says no to social invitations without offering alternatives, that’s information. If they always give one-word answers when you ask “How was your weekend?” they’re setting a boundary—not because they dislike you, but because they prefer to keep work and personal life separate.

Accept the answer without taking it personally. As Sara puts it, “It can feel a little brutal, but now you know.” Some people are looking for friends at work; others aren’t. Neither approach is wrong. The key is reading the signals and respecting what you discover.

This testing phase isn’t about playing games or being manipulative. It’s about reading social cues and respecting people’s boundaries before you invest emotionally in a relationship that might not be reciprocated.

The Trust Factor: Watch for Ulterior Motives

Here’s an uncomfortable truth about workplace friendships: they come with a layer of uncertainty that friendships outside work don’t have. “Are they being friends with you because they want a promotion?” Sara asks. “Are they being friends with you because they need something from you?”

This isn’t cynicism. It’s realism. Work involves hierarchies, politics, competition for resources, and advancement opportunities. Sometimes what feels like friendship is actually strategic networking. And that’s genuinely difficult to navigate.

So how do you distinguish between authentic connection and professional calculation?

Look for consistency over time. Real friendship remains steady regardless of whether you can offer something. If someone is only warm when they need a favor or distant after they’ve gotten what they want, that reveals their true motivation.

Notice if they’re interested in you as a person. Do they remember details about your life? Ask follow-up questions about things you’ve shared? Show curiosity about who you are outside your job title? Genuine friends care about the whole person, not just the professional persona.

Trust your gut. If something feels transactional, it probably is. Pay attention to that discomfort rather than dismissing it.

The reality is that many work relationships exist in a gray area. They’re somewhat genuine but also somewhat strategic. And that’s okay, as long as you’re aware of it and adjust your expectations accordingly.

The Non-Negotiable: Never Bond Over Negativity

If there’s one hard rule Sara emphasizes, it’s this: “No relationship should be founded on badmouthing other people.”

We’ve all seen it happen. Two people connect by complaining about their boss. Or gossiping about a difficult colleague. Or competing to share the most outrageous story about someone who isn’t in the room. And in the moment, that shared frustration can feel like bonding.

But it’s not. It’s a false foundation that will eventually crumble.

“People can really connect by hating on someone, by hating their boss, by being really upset,” Sara says. She understands it might even be a starting point. But if you don’t want your relationship based on gossip or simply disliking another person, you need to redirect the conversation.

Her suggested script is direct but kind: “Hey, I totally understand why you’re upset, but I don’t feel comfortable talking about another coworker that way.”

Will it be uncomfortable? Yes. But it’s also how you establish yourself as someone with integrity—someone who doesn’t participate in the toxic alliances that can make workplaces miserable.

Sara warns that this is how we “unintentionally form teams and alliances, and it becomes this really intense, complex thing that ‘you can’t be friends with Billy because you’re friends with Joel.'” Sound familiar? It’s high school dynamics in professional clothing. And it’s time to move past it.

The better approach: If you’re genuinely upset about a workplace issue, address it directly with the person involved or escalate it to HR if it’s serious. Don’t let your workplace friendships become echo chambers of negativity.

Making It Work When Everyone’s Remote

The rise of remote work has added another layer of complexity to workplace friendships. As Simon points out, quoting violinist Isaac Stern: “Music is what happens between the notes.” In a work environment, trust is what happens between the meetings—in the hallway, walking out of the conference room, bumping into each other and saying, “Oh, I meant to tell you something.”

These micro-moments build relationships and trust. And in a remote environment, they simply don’t exist unless you create them intentionally.

Sara’s advice is to treat remote work relationships like long-distance relationships—they require extra effort and intentionality:

Over-communicate tone in messages. Add emojis to clarify how you mean something. Make messages slightly longer to provide context. What seems clear to you can easily be misinterpreted by someone reading without the benefit of your facial expressions or tone of voice.

Schedule video calls when you feel distant. If you sense a relationship cooling or communication feeling strained, suggest a quick video chat. Seeing someone’s face rebuilds connection in ways that text never can.

Create the “between the meetings” moments. Send a quick message after a meeting: “That was a really interesting comment—it made me think of this.” Share a relevant meme. Drop a virtual thumbs up. These tiny gestures matter.

Check in with genuine curiosity. It’s easy to check in when you’re in the same space and notice someone looks tired or stressed. Make that same effort virtually. A simple “How are you doing?” can make someone feel seen.

As Sara puts it: “We all just want to feel seen and heard, and sometimes it’s as easy as acknowledging someone.” And yes, she genuinely recommends sending memes. “All the best coworkers send each other memes. It’s just a really fun bonding experience.”

The key is recognizing that remote relationships won’t develop organically. You have to be deliberate about creating connection.

Setting Boundaries Without Being an Asshole

So you’ve decided to befriend a coworker, but you still need boundaries. How do you maintain them without coming across as cold or difficult?

Sara’s answer comes down to two things: what you say and how you say it.

“Sometimes what tips the scale from being firm to being an asshole is the extra eye roll or the really harsh tone or the crossing of the arms,” she explains. Body language and tone matter as much as your actual words.

Before setting a boundary, check yourself:

What’s your facial expression?
What’s your tone—calm and matter-of-fact, or sharp and defensive?
What’s your body language communicating?

Make sure it’s an actual boundary, not just a preference. Boundaries are about protecting your wellbeing, time, or values. Preferences are just how you like things done. Know the difference. A boundary might be: “I don’t discuss my personal life at work.” A preference might be: “I’d rather you text than call.” The first deserves firm protection; the second deserves flexibility.

Be honest and direct without insulting. You can be clear without being cruel. “I need to focus on this project, so I can’t chat right now” is firm but respectful. “I’m busy” with an irritated tone is dismissive.

The goal is to be someone who has clear boundaries but remains approachable and kind. That balance is what distinguishes healthy assertiveness from being difficult to work with.

So is it wrong to be friends with your coworkers? Absolutely not. In fact, given how much time we spend at work, cultivating genuine connections with colleagues can significantly improve your quality of life and job satisfaction.

But (and this is important) workplace friendships require a different kind of awareness than other friendships. They need:

Intention in how you build and maintain them, especially in remote environments
Boundaries that protect both the relationship and your professional reputation
Awareness of power dynamics, ulterior motives, and the difference between genuine connection and strategic networking
Integrity to refuse bonding over gossip or negativity
Respect for people who prefer to keep things professional

The healthiest workplace friendships are built on mutual respect, authentic interest in each other as people, and clear communication about boundaries and expectations. They’re not automatic, and they’re not always easy. But they’re possible—and often, they’re deeply valuable.

As Sara reminds us, all relationships are personal relationships. The question isn’t whether to make work personal. It’s how to do it in a way that enhances both your professional life and your wellbeing.

For more insights from Sara, check out her course, How to Handle Conflict at Work.

About to Explode on a Coworker? Try This Psychotherapist’s Simple, 5-Step Plan

Posted on October 21, 2025October 21, 2025 by Team Simon

You know that feeling when someone takes credit for your work in a meeting and you can literally feel your blood pressure spike? Or when you get that passive-aggressive email and suddenly you’re mentally drafting a response that would make your HR rep weep?

Yeah. We’ve all been there. (We’re only human, after all.) But if you’re finding yourself running hot at work on occasion, here’s a crazy fact we learned from Dr. Sara Kuburic, a psychotherapist who teaches the online course, How to Handle Conflict at Work.

That overwhelming emotion you’re feeling? Physiologically, it only lasts about 90 seconds.

We know, we know. If you’ve ever spent an entire weekend replaying an argument with your boss, this sounds completely wrong. But stick with us, because understanding why we stay angry for hours (or days) changes everything about how we handle these moments.

According to Dr. Kuburic, “The narratives we tell and retell ourselves retrigger these feelings over and over again. Instead of witnessing the emotion—noticing how we feel and how it’s being expressed in our body, and appropriately responding—we latched on to the thought that evoked it in the first place.”

Translation? You’re not still furious because the emotion never ended. You’re still furious because you keep replaying it, rehashing it, and basically hitting the “restart” button on those 90 seconds over and over.

So what do you actually do when you’re at that breaking point? Here’s what Dr. Kuburic recommends:

Step 1: Catch Yourself in the Replay Loop

Look, that first wave of anger or frustration or hurt? That’s real. That’s your body doing its thing. You get about 90 seconds of pure physiological response—heart racing, face flushing, all of it. That part isn’t really up to you.

But here’s where it gets interesting. After those 90 seconds? The choice is yours.

Dr. Kuburic explains it like this: “It’s the meaning we attribute to the thought that perpetuates the feeling, and keeps us hostage.” So after that initial reaction, pause and ask yourself: Am I actually still feeling this, or am I now just thinking about it? Am I replaying what they said on a loop? Imagining the perfect comeback? Catastrophizing about what this means for my career?

Why this matters: “At what point does how we feel become a choice?” Dr. Kuburic asks. “If we keep feeding or dwelling in the narratives that hurt us, is it on us? Does it mean we choose to feel this way? Yes. It does. After their 90 seconds have come and gone, you have the power to consciously choose your narrative.”

And before you think this is about blaming yourself for feeling bad—it’s not. She’s super clear about this: “This perspective is not meant to blame us for feeling hard things, but rather to empower us.”

It’s about recognizing that you have more control than you think. Which, honestly, feels pretty good when everything else feels out of control.

Step 2: Get Specific About What You’re Actually Feeling

Here’s something that sounds weird but actually works: when you’re drowning in one big emotion, don’t try to make it smaller. Make it bigger.

Dr. Kuburic suggests this: “When you feel an especially strong emotion, try to identify one or two other emotions that are also present. The more the better. Although it may seem counterintuitive to try and feel more when you are already overwhelmed, identifying multiple emotions can actually dilute the power of the consuming emotion.”

So yeah, you’re angry. But what else? Are you also embarrassed that this happened in front of everyone? Disappointed because you thought this person was better than that? Anxious about how to fix it? Maybe even a little relieved that the issue is finally out in the open?

Why this helps: Dr. Kuburic points out that “most of us usually won’t allow ourselves to feel something that’s seemingly contradictory. We struggle to hold both. A common combination, for example, is sadness and relief, yet we often ignore the relief because we don’t know how to make sense of these two feelings together. So we overcommit to sadness. Until we learn to carry it all, we will only see one side of ourselves.”

When you name all the feelings—even the contradictory ones—that one overwhelming emotion loses some of its grip on you. It’s like, oh, this isn’t just pure rage. It’s actually this complicated mix of things I’m dealing with. And somehow that makes it more manageable.

Step 3: Give Yourself Permission to Pause Before You Respond

This is the big one. The difference between sending that scorched-earth email and actually solving the problem.

Dr. Kuburic makes this distinction: “Responses are thoughtful and rooted in authenticity, reason, and values. They are aligned with who we are and who we want to become. They take context into consideration. Reactions are rooted in wounds, fears, insecurities. They are often our misguided attempt to protect ourselves.”

Basically? Reactions are what happen when we don’t give ourselves that pause. Responses are what happen when we do.

Real example from her course: “If a coworker accidentally insults you, reacting would be insulting them back. Responding, on the other hand, would look like taking a deep breath and setting a clear boundary.”

Why this works: That pause—that space between what happened and what you do next—that’s where all your power is. As Dr. Kuburic notes, “One problem that we encounter is that we often don’t notice our emotions until they overwhelm us. We have clever ways of sidestepping or ignoring our feelings so that we don’t have to deal with them… until we do. And the moment we are ‘forced’ to deal with emotions, we often react.”

So give yourself permission to take a beat. Walk around the block. Sleep on it. Whatever you need to create that space.

Step 4: Figure Out What Your Emotions Are Trying to Tell You

Here’s where Dr. Kuburic’s approach really clicked for us. She doesn’t want you to just stuff your emotions down or “manage” them. She wants you to actually listen to them.

“Emotions are not liabilities—they are tools,” she says. “Our emotions exist to tell us things that our rational brains miss. But in order to learn from our emotions, we must first be able to recognize, identify, and understand them.”

She suggests asking yourself these questions:

What is this emotion trying to tell me?

For example, “Anger often tells us 3 things: Our boundary is being crossed, our need is not being met, or our role or positions feel threatened.” So if you’re angry, which one is it? That actually gives you somewhere to start.

What can I learn from this?

“Every emotion we experience towards others is a mirror, reflecting not only our perception of them but also revealing deeper layers about our own beliefs and past experiences. Jealousy, for instance, speaks to our own insecurities or unfulfilled needs.” Ouch, but also… useful to know, right?

Which of my values is this touching?

Here’s an example from the course: “Let’s say you’ve been asked to work with a high-performing team that often cuts corners. You feel uneasy but you can’t immediately identify why. By asking yourself, ‘Which of my values is this emotion speaking to?’, you realize that one of your core values is integrity.” Suddenly that vague unease makes sense.

What story am I telling myself about this?

Why this matters: “Identifying the right emotion is so important because every emotion comes with a different message,” Dr. Kuburic explains. “We need to know what this message is in order to show up authentically and be able to communicate what we are experiencing with others.”

Your emotions are trying to help you. They’re just not always great at being clear about it.

Step 5: Decide Who You Want to Be in This Moment

This is the part that keeps us from doing things we’d regret. Dr. Kuburic frames it like this: “Every action and inaction shapes who we become. Deciding what we do with our emotions is a lot more significant than managing the situation, it’s about shaping your future Self.”

So when you’re feeling completely overwhelmed, ask yourself:

How do I want to handle this?
What am I actually trying to achieve here?
Do I need more time to think about it?
Do I need to sit with this feeling a bit longer?
Am I ready to talk about it?

And then, whatever you decide, own it. “Some expressive acts lead to deeper understanding and some can be harmful—this distinction is really important. Whatever we decide to express, we must take responsibility for our actions.”

Why this works: As Dr. Kuburic puts it: “Who do you want to be? You are defined by the choices you make. Now act like it.”

It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being intentional.

Want to go deeper? Check out Dr. Kuburic’s course, “How to Handle Conflict at Work,” by clicking here.

You Found Your WHY. Now What? The Practical Guide to Putting Purpose Into Action

Posted on October 10, 2025October 10, 2025 by Team Simon

Why are we writing this article? Because discovering your WHY is a powerful moment, but it’s just the beginning. One question we hear often from people who’ve done the work isn’t, “Did I find the right one?” It’s “Now what do I actually do with it?”

For those new to the concept, your WHY is a single sentence you discover through guided reflection and questions. It’s a purpose statement that captures your cause and your deepest beliefs about the change you want to make in the world. It’s not what you do or how you do it. It’s why you do anything at all. And when you finally find it, it resonates like truth. (There are plenty of resources out there that can help guide you to your WHY. Among them, Simon teaches it directly in his online course, Find Your WHY.)

But clarity needs action. Your WHY only transforms your work and life when it shows up in the choices you make today and tomorrow. So we sat down with Simon to ask: How do you actually use your WHY in the day to day? Below is what he said.

Your WHY Needs a Home (And It’s Not Your Wall)

“Consider writing out your WHY and placing it where you decide things, not just where you sleep,” says Simon.

He wasn’t kidding about placement. Simon puts his WHY on his phone lock screen and at the top of meeting agendas. “Seeing it first anchors your attention to meaning, not noise,” he says. Your WHY isn’t a trophy. It’s a tool. And like any tool, it only works when you keep it within reach.

The next part? Say it out loud.

“Open meetings with why we are here,” Simon says. “Frame interviews with why you do what you do. Share a brief story that proves it.” When people know the cause behind the work, they stop going through motions and start advancing a mission.

The Celery Test

Simon introduced us to something he calls the Celery Test. Imagine you’re shopping at the supermarket. “If your WHY is to promote health, you ignore the candy and buy celery and rice milk. You spend less, move faster, and anyone in line can see what you believe.”

The Celery Test means you choose only what clearly advances your WHY and leave the rest on the shelf. It saves time, money, and trust. And if you pick the candy once? “Do it consciously,” Simon says, “and call it a short‑term choice you will rebalance soon.”

Treat Your WHY Like a Decision Filter

“Ask a simple question before you say yes,” Simon says. “Say, ‘will this bring my WHY to life or distract from it?'”

If it advances the cause, commit fully. If it doesn’t, decline politely.

This is where some people stumble. They may think their WHY is something they say. Simon sees it differently: your WHY is something you prove, decision by decision, conversation by conversation, project by project. Every choice either strengthens or weakens the signal.

Make WHY Operational, Not Ornamental

“Put it on dashboards and agendas,” says Simon. “Start all‑hands meetings with a quick story of someone who advanced the cause, not just a metric they hit.”

He continues: “Hire for values fit and train for skills. Choose partners who share your beliefs. If a product or project no longer fits, consider retiring it.”

Simon’s talking about embedding your WHY into systems, rituals, and even personnel decisions. When your WHY lives in your hiring rubric and your partnership agreements, it stops being an aspiration and becomes your operating system.

Your 30‑Day WHY Sprint

If you’re game to put your WHY into practice, consider taking a 30‑day sprint.

Commit to starting certain meetings with your WHY. Run the Celery Test on new initiatives. Share one weekly story of your WHY in action with your colleagues. Track how it feels and what changes. Add more only after these stick.

When you do this, you’re not overhauling your entire life. You’re testing three practices for one month. When your sprints over, you’ll be amazed at how you feel.

Ready to put your WHY to work? Join Simon in the Find Your WHY online course and get the tools, exercises, and support to make purpose practical.

15 Amazing Side Effects of Knowing Your WHY

Posted on October 8, 2025October 8, 2025 by Team Simon

There’s a moment that happens when someone discovers their WHY. We’ve witnessed it thousands of times now. Their eyes light up. Their posture changes. They likely get emotional. Something fundamental shifts. It’s not just that they suddenly understand what they do or how they do it. It’s that they finally get why it matters. And in that moment, they stop being isolated islands of effort and become connected. Connected to their work, to their teams, to the people they serve, to something bigger than themselves.

As Simon tells us, that connection changes everything. We stop going through the motions and start moving with intention. Our work becomes an expression of what we believe. Our colleagues become fellow travelers on a shared journey. The impact we make becomes the entire point.

At The Optimism Company, we’ve built our careers around helping people find that connection. We’ve seen what happens when leaders operate from their WHY, and the cost when they don’t.

But there’s always room to go deeper. And if you’re still not completely sold on the power of your WHY (or need ammunition to convince that skeptical executive or practical colleague), we’ve got something for you.

Turns out the science supporting the power of purpose is even more compelling than we realized. Researchers have spent decades studying what happens when people find purpose in their work. The results? Remarkable. Effects that rival major medical interventions, performance improvements that transform bottom lines, life changes that ripple far beyond the workplace.

So if you’re still on the fence, here are 15 science-backed side effects that might just tip the scales.

1. Imposter Syndrome Loses Its Grip

That nagging voice that says you’re a fraud? Purpose can help with that.

Studies show 70% of successful people experience imposter syndrome, partly driven by lack of belonging and purpose. But research on professional identity formation shows that developing an identity connected to purpose enhances confidence and reduces self-doubt.

When you know your WHY, you have internal validation that doesn’t depend on external recognition. You’re not performing for validation; you’re working toward something that matters.

2. Science Says You’ll Actually Live Longer

A massive meta-analysis tracked 136,265 people across 10 studies for 8.5 years. People with a strong sense of purpose had 17% lower risk of dying from any cause and 17% lower risk of cardiovascular events.

That’s an effect size comparable to major medical interventions. We’re talking about more than feeling better. We’re talking about fundamental biological changes that research suggests can affect your lifespan.

3. You Become Incredibly Resilient

Here’s maybe the most striking finding: employees who live their purpose are 6.5 times more likely to report higher resilience.

Not 65% more resilient. Six and a half times. One of the largest effect sizes in the entire literature.

Resilience research consistently identifies meaning and purpose as a core component alongside positive outlook, coping strategies, and flexibility.

Resilience is about getting back up. Projects will fail. Reorganizations will happen. Markets will shift. When you know your WHY, you have the resilience to keep going. The setback isn’t personal; it’s just an obstacle on the path.

4. Your Heart May Thank You

That same meta-analysis mentioned earlier found 17-19% reduction in cardiovascular events. What’s more, a 13-year study of nearly 3,000 Japanese adults found that people with strong ikigai (the Japanese concept closely aligned with WHY) had significantly lower stroke and cardiovascular mortality.

5. You’ll Actually Take Care of Yourself

A national U.S. study tracked 13,770 adults over 50 for eight years. People in the highest quartile of purpose were 24% less likely to become physically inactive, 33% less likely to develop sleep problems, and 22% less likely to develop an unhealthy BMI. These effects held even after controlling for demographics, baseline health, chronic conditions, and depression.

At the end of the day, we all know we should exercise more and sleep better. The knowing isn’t the problem. The doing is. When you’re connected to your WHY, taking care of yourself stops being one more obligation. You’re not exercising because you should; you’re exercising because you have important work to do and you need your body to do it.

6. Your Brain Stays Sharp Way Longer

A nationwide study of 14,482 Japanese adults 65+ tracked cognitive health for three years. Those with strong ikigai showed 36% lower dementia risk and 31% lower functional disability risk.

7. You Bounce Back from Stress and Depression

Here’s a big question: does knowing your purpose make you mentally healthier, or do mentally healthy people just happen to find purpose more easily? A rigorous longitudinal study tracked 292 German employees at two different points in time to find out.

The answer? If you found meaning and purpose in your work at the first measurement, you were significantly more mentally healthy months later. But if you were mentally healthy at the first measurement, that didn’t predict whether you’d find purpose in your work months later. In other words: finding purpose creates better mental health, not the other way around. It’s not just that happy people happen to see more meaning in their jobs. It’s that connecting to your WHY actively improves your mental health over time.

Another study merged surveys with actual health insurance claims to track certain diagnosed conditions. That study found that employees in psychologically caring climates had 32% lower odds of being diagnosed with clinical depression.

8. You’ll Sleep Like You Used to

Remember when you could fall asleep without your mind racing through tomorrow’s meetings? Purpose can bring that back.

That eight-year study found people with strong purpose were 33% less likely to develop sleep problems. It makes sense: When you’re disconnected from your WHY, work becomes anxiety and rumination. When you’re connected, work becomes something you can set down at day’s end because you trust it matters.

9. You Believe in Yourself More

A structural study of 234 high school students found awareness of purpose explained 35.3% of the variance in self-esteem. Students who saw their activities as contributing to something beyond themselves reported significantly stronger self-confidence.

Another study of 315 physicians found psychological capital (which includes self-efficacy—your belief in your own abilities) was a strong predictor of meaningful work. It’s a virtuous cycle: self-efficacy helps you create meaningful work, which reinforces self-efficacy.

10. You Trust Your Career Choices

Career decisions are hard. Should you take that role? Make that pivot? Stay put? Purpose acts as a compass.

A study of 801 teachers found those with strong career calling reported significantly higher confidence in managing professional challenges. Another study found self-efficacy drives career development—people confident in their capabilities pursue more exploration and adapt better to changes.

Career paralysis is real. When you don’t know what you’re working toward, every decision feels equally risky and meaningless. But when you know your WHY? You’re not asking “Which option will make me more money?” You’re asking “Which option lets me better serve my WHY?” And suddenly, the answer is often obvious.

11. You’re Way Better at Your Job

Here’s where skeptical executives should pay attention: purpose dramatically improves performance.

A study of 459 professionals found meaningful work predicted strengths use, and strengths use predicted performance. McKinsey research found performance improves by 33% when employees find work meaningful. The most comprehensive meta-analysis of 70,541 participants found meaningful work strongly correlated with job performance, work engagement, and motivation.

At the end of the day, better performance isn’t just good for the company. It’s good for you. Better projects, more opportunities, more influence. Performance stops being something you force and starts being something that flows.

12. You Actually Want to Stay in Your Role

Turnover is expensive. It amounts to upwards of 50-200% of one’s annual salary in recruiting, training, and lost productivity.

McKinsey found employees who find work meaningful are 49% less likely to leave and 75% more committed. A survey of 1,021+ U.S. workers found 70% define purpose through work. Deloitte found 47% have left organizations for purpose-related reasons, with 2 in 5 Gen Z and millennials rejecting jobs not aligned with their values.

Let’s face it: Constantly job-hopping isn’t that fulfilling. Once you find your WHY and your organization supports it? Staying becomes powerful.

13. Your Creativity Flourishes

Purpose does more than make you productive. It makes you innovative.

A study of 528 employees found that perceived social impact—believing your work helps others—significantly increased innovative work behavior and creativity. Research on Fortune 100 Best Companies reveals that in purpose-driven companies, leaders inspire creativity across all levels. Purpose provides the “energy for action” that sustains creativity long-term, while external rewards only produce temporary bursts.

The future belongs to the creative. As AI handles routine tasks, imagination becomes more valuable. When you’re connected to your WHY, you’re not checking boxes. You’re actively seeking better ways to serve that purpose. You experiment. You take risks. That’s where breakthroughs come from.

14. You Help Others More (and Love It)

A two-wave study of 239 employees found prosocial motivation (the desire to help others) positively related to thriving at work, and thriving mediated the relationship with work engagement. A study of university staff found prosocial behaviors driven by purpose directly impacted organizational performance and sustainability. Meta-analyses show meaningful work correlates with organizational citizenship behaviors. In other words, those above-and-beyond actions that make teams function.

15. You Keep Growing and Learning

Purpose drives continuous development in ways pure ambition never can.

Research shows career is a means to pursue purpose, and awareness of purpose leads to both wellness and career growth. Purpose awareness impacts career decision-making and journey planning. Organizations embedding purpose into development help employees adapt through industry changes, providing career resilience.

When employees connect to bigger purpose, they pursue skill development—not because they “should,” but because they need those skills to serve their WHY.

When you know your WHY, learning becomes natural. You’re not collecting credentials. You’re building capabilities to make the impact you want to make.

Simon’s spent years helping people discover their WHY, and he’s packed everything he’s learned into an online course. If you’re ready to find yours, join us here.

Saying This One Sentence Will Make You a Better Leader

Posted on September 30, 2025October 1, 2025 by Team Simon

Want to hear a scary statistic? According to one survey, a shocking 30% of employees feel invisible at work. That’s an entire third of the workforce that feels like they do not matter. And when people don’t feel seen, they stop giving their best. They protect themselves. Trust erodes.

Zach Mercurio, celebrated speaker and author with a Ph.D. in organizational leadership, has dedicated his career to understanding the power of purpose and belonging in the workplace. He’s a firm believer that the simplest actions can have the greatest impact on how people feel about their work and themselves. In his course, How to Be a Leader People Actually Trust (And Maybe Even Love), he shares a simple phrase every leader should use to remind their employees of their value…

“If it weren’t for you.”

These five words—“If it weren’t for you”—hold the key to recognizing the essential contributions of others. In his course, Zach tells the story of a leader at a large bank. It’s not grand gestures. It’s disciplined, human moments.

She started a weekly practice of reaching out to someone who had helped her get through the week. Each Friday, she sends a message saying, “If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have made it through the week,” and follows up with why that person made a difference. Specific, personal, timely. Not “good job.” More like, “If it weren’t for you staying late to fix the client file, we would’ve missed the deadline.”

Over time, this small gesture has transformed her professional relationships, creating a network of deep trust and mutual appreciation. That’s how a Circle of Safety forms: people feel safe to take risks because they know someone’s got their back.

“Think about the times in your life when someone said to you, ‘If it wasn’t for you, I would have never gotten this job,’ or ‘If it wasn’t for you, I would have never been able to get through this,’” Zach says. These moments do more than express gratitude. They highlight the unique value that someone brings into our lives. It’s about showing people that they are not just another cog in the machine; they are essential. Recognition is not transactional. It’s relational. It says, “You matter here.”

And here’s the kicker: great leaders don’t wait for reviews or awards to say it. They say it often, in front of others. Peer recognition multiplies the effect because the whole group rises to that standard.

Great leaders understand that everyone has a role to play, and they make it a point to ensure that those around them feel needed. Zach encourages saying, “If it weren’t for you, this wouldn’t be possible,” or “If it weren’t for you, today wouldn’t have been as good.” This simple phrase can make the difference between someone feeling invisible and someone feeling seen, valued, and motivated.

The impact of these words goes beyond professional settings. “Say it to your friends, your neighbors, your kids, spouse, partner, and the thousands of people you depend on daily in your community to live your life,” Zach says. Recognizing people’s contributions, no matter how small they may seem, is a universal way to build stronger connections. Skills we practice at work follow us home. When we learn to listen and acknowledge, marriages improve, friendships deepen, and families get stronger.

In a world where 55% of people feel as though their company only sees them as employees and not people, the phrase “If it weren’t for you” can be a reminder that we all matter. It’s a tool that any leader—or any person—can use to create a culture of gratitude and connection. It’s simple, not easy. It requires presence. It requires noticing. And it pays compounding dividends in trust and performance.

Make it practical. This week, send out three notes: “If it weren’t for you…” followed by one concrete behavior and one impact. Do one public shout-out in a meeting. Keep it under 20 seconds and make it specific. Maybe start a Friday ritual: Ask your team, “Who do we want to thank today, and why?”

Because when your people feel valued, they’ll choose to give their best—again and again.

“Something small, said with sincerity, can change how someone shows up tomorrow,” says Simon. “Because leadership isn’t about being in charge; it’s about taking care of those in your charge—and ‘If it weren’t for you’ is what that care sounds like.”

For more on Zach’s course, see here. And if you’re a leader asking, “Where do I start?” You can start with someone who helped you this week.

Tell them. Today.